Chingona Butterfly: March 2016

Dear Miss Palmer,

~~How are you?~~ No, Scratch that.

~~What have you been up to lately?~~ No... cheezy!

~~How is 2016 treating you?~~ Nope, Uh! Uh!

Dear Amanda,

I have a question for you,

What feeds your soul? I mean, really. You are this amazingly wild and untamed beauty who seems to have a wonderful and charmed life. So, tell me.... WHAT FEEDS YOUR SOUL? What really makes you tick? It could be different today than it was yesterday. Perhaps, It's even changed in the last 5 minutes. Or, is there something that has always stood with you, to calm you in times of absolute madness, and to ease you when your heart is falling out of your chest. That thing that you crave and dream of and that gives you the feeling of most passion and gratitude for being alive? You know what i'm talking about, you artistic, free spirited girl. That thing that gives you wings!

Miss Palmer, may take a moment of your time to chat? i have watched your career from afar, and have thought to myself, "now that's a women who doesn't give up". As a fellow woman in this country, a mother, an artist, a Bernie supporter, i admire that trait so much! We have all been handed this amazing and powerful life, and sometimes we are faced with roadblocks that could actually bring us to our end. Believe me, i know! May i share?

I'm a 43 year old mother of 3 living in Albuquerque, NM. I am divorced from their father and have had to make a go of it alone for the past 6 years. Our marriage was decent, but, he was rough on me. He seemed to find joy in making me miserable. To be fair, we had a decent friendship, when not fighting, but, there was no real love, no true passion. My oldest is 17, (hold onto that baby of yours and smooch him every second you get because you will blink your eyes and he will be graduating from high school). He's handsome and artistic and owns my heart. He's is a senior this year, and is chomping at the bit to get out into the world and travel and find himself. My middle child is a gorgeous, blue eyed beauty. She's an honor student and wants to be a surgeon, oh, and she's transgender, so there's that. My baby is 7. He's precious and golden. He has been the subject of a heartbreaking and soul crushing custody battle for which i was not victorious. I only get to see him every other weekend right now, and i cry every single day. This girl who was once a pretty thing, even the muse of several artists has allowed salty tears to turn into lines and crevices on her face. The tell tale signs of pain and a rough journey. i hold tight to hope, though. Ya know? You see, i am one of those people who was born seeing the world through rose colored glasses. i have always seen the good in people and situations. The eternal optimist. The last couple of years have pushed me beyond my limits though, let me assure you. From about 2002, I was living in a little mountain town in Northern AZ. After the kid's dad and i split, i had my children going back and forth about 50% of the time, worked at a rockin' cool indy bookstore, had a small artsy business with my best friend doing henna at festivals, had started a tour business, giving the haunted tours of the old wild west town i lived in, (you and Neil should visit there, you'd love it! i'll meet you there and give you the grand, historical tour) an absolutely AMAZING group of supportive friends, and i had the sweetest, kindest boyfriend anyone could have asked for. For the 1st time in many, many years, i was happy. Then, the kid's dad decided that he wanted to move back to Albuquerque. He had a partner, and they wanted to start a new life in his hometown. Long story short, after lots of debates within my own heart, a few backs and forths, a long and painful custody battle, i made my way back to "the land of enchantment". i left my life behind and came home to NM to be near my kids. Talk about more heartbreak. It's been interesting and i'm finally, almost a year later, finding my groove. i miss my friends, my community and my sweet lover. He and i have, after plenty of tears and heart wrenching conversations, decided to release one another. This too has been completely heart breaking to me, being as how i really thought he was "the one", at least, i know that for the 1st time in my life, i could honestly say that i know what it was like to be in love. Like you mentioned in your book, about your relationship with Neil being different, this man made me feel safe, loved and at home. Letting him go has been like giving a piece of me away to someone i don't know.

I'm sharing all of this with you because i believe you to be a kindred spirit. After reading your book "The Art of Asking", i felt like i related to you in several ways. So many jobs, so many lovers, trying to live in the world that we don't really fit into. I have made several attempts to live as an artist, but, as a single mom, i have always resorted to having to find work outside of the home. i have waited a lot of tables and i have served a lot of coffee. I now find myself in a regular, 9-5 position because i needed to be able to pay rent on time and not be kicked out on the street. i actually like my new job, and i think i can really make a go of it. Art has taken a bit of a back burner, but, i do make time for it as often as i can. As an eternal creatrix, my thrift store wardrobe and the food on my plate tend to all be artistic expressions. It's just the kind of person i was put on this earth to be, i suppose.

I have enjoyed watching you, via social media, ease into motherhood. Seeing breastfeeding pics of you and your little one bring me so much joy! I was a homebirthing, baby wearing, extended and public breastfeeding mama and i advocated for "breast is best" whenever i had a soap box to stand on. I even started a group in my town that i called "Boobs not Bombs". We did nurse ins and natural parenting classes and mama gatherings. Knowing the kind of "rockstar woman" you are, seeing you in precious poses with your child is heart warming. i absolutely adore you for it!

Perhaps you are wondering why i would even chose to take the time to type this all out for you. Well, i know that you are performing in Santa Fe this coming friday night and, well, i would love to get and Amanda Palmer hug. Your show sold out before i could buy a ticket, as did your Bernie rally recently, but, if you could give me a minute or two, to give you a squeeze, hold your hands in mine and look into your eyes as kindred souls, bosom pals, it would mean a lot. I am planning on heading up to Santa Fe as soon as i get out of work on friday. My dear friend lives there, so, if anything, we'll make a girls night out of it, i believe that one of our local Grateful Dead cover bands is playing there that night... (yes, i LOVE me some Grateful Dead!!!). I have fashioned you a handmade treat, and will at least drop it by the venue you're playing at, but, if you have any time for a fellow, intense, passionate, and full of heart woman and kindred spirit to give a squeeze to,and to answer the question: What feeds your soul? Please let me know.

In this world, no matter what we do, or who we are, making connections with others who understand us, seems to be the only way to get by.

My dear, much love to you, Neil and that little bitty boy.

Besos,

Madeline Mariposa