How much lemonade can one make? Seriously? How freakin' much?
I am grateful everyday for my blessings, really i am, but... the taste of sour lemons has created such a thick coat of muck in my mouth, i am ready to throw in the towel sometimes!
I'm not perfect, i make mistakes, but, don't we all? I mean... don't we? Is it just me, or does life sort of like to kick us when we're down? This idea, this thought process i've always had that the energy i give, i will receive. I'm kind, i always use my manners, i hold doors open for people, i smile at people, i even go up to random stangers to tell them that i like their hair or outfit, or to let them know that their tag is sticking up or they have something stuck to them. You know,, one of those nice people in the world. I work very hard at being emotionally responsible with my kids, always with words of encouragement, and several "i love yous" a day. Well, that idea tends to fade the older i get. The more i find myself with more lemons!
I used to be a super happy human. Always smiling, always positive. As much as i could, anyway. I was in a very unhappy marriage for far too long, and was miserable at home. But, when i was out an about, i was sincerely happy. I loved being around my friends. I loved taking the kids for walks or to the park, but, i remember that being at home turned me into a different person. So much so, that my kid's dad would accuse me of being fake while i was out with friends or a work. He would say that people didn't really know the real me because i was always putting on an act with them. I could never quite get him to understand that i wasn't acting at all. The me that i was around my friends or at work was real. I was happy. The me i was at home was real too. i was cranky and unhappy. It was all very, very real!
Don't get me wrong, we had our moments, our laughs, our fun, but, deep down, i knew that if i left a mess in the kitchen, or didn't sweep just right, i'd be yelled at. There was the time that i went out with some girlfriends. We were going to see a friend of a friend at a singer/songwriter showcase. Apparently i told the husband that i'd be home around 9. That's what he heard anyway. In my memory, the singer we wanted to see wasn't due to go one until 9. I had 2 small children at home, so going out with friends at this time was a rarity. We were still fairly new in town and these girls were new friends. After the performance, we walked back to the friend's house that we had all parked at. The moon was full and she was at the top of a hill that faced the moon. We stood outside and chatted for probably 3 or 4 hours. You know, those nights when the conversation is just so good you can't stop? I remember looking down the street a few times wondering if the family Volvo would come around the corner with the husband and kids looking for me. He didn't know where this friend lived though. So, finally, somewhere around 1 or 2, (we actually hadn't even realized it had gotten that late), we all headed home. I had ridden down with one of the ladies. She dropped me off and the house was dark. i know i was "in trouble". I sent her on her way, even though she knew i couldn't get in. Yep, that's right, i had been locked out of my own house while the husband and the kids slept inside. i knocked and knocked. i even went to the side door that entered into out bedroom, right by the bed and knocked and knocked, calling his name to be let in. I finally saw that the bathroom window was ajar, so i pulled a bin of dogfood over to stand on and hoisted myself up into it. Luckily i was skinny, it was one of those smallish bathroom windows. Of course he was laying there waiting for me, and we ended up in a big fight over where i was. I apologized for being so late, (we didn't have a cel phone yet, this was around 2002)He told me that he'd left the bathroom window open for me, he figured i'd see it eventually. I"m sure we made up, as usual, but not after the usual "go round". The thing with us, just as a side note, was that there was no such thing as make up sex. As the years went by and the fights didn't stop, my attitude toward him became more one of loathing, then love. I loved him like family, but not as a wife should love her husband. Yet...i stayed. I became more and more miserable. I know he found me harder and harder to be around.
The point i am trying to make with that story is this, i am a happy person. i have a passion for life, a lust for life so to speak. I always have. My kid's dad saw it back when we were young and dating, but, i know that it faded after a few years, so he saw me as a miserable bitch. Which i was, but only at home.
The point of all of this is not to bash someone who clearly has their own issues, but to try and figure out, but clearing my own mind, why, through my positivity, do i continue to have "life's lemons" handed to me.,
Lately, i feel as though life has been handing me more and more lemons, which is what this entire post is supposed to be about anyway. I am currently a mom of 3 without a car. The car that i've been driving for almost 2 years was stolen recently. It was just swiped from out in front of my house. Missing without a trace! As my teenage son would say, "SUCKISH"!!!
Everytmie i feel as though i'm beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel, i get another slap from somewhere else. I want to love my life again. I do! I do!
I am grateful for my kids, for my job, for my friends, for my art....
It would just be nice to stop feeling so much anxiety all the damn time though. Like, "what next?" ya know?
So, i suppose, the moral of this story is to keep making that lemonade and maybe, occasionally spike it with vodka, huh?
Be Grateful
Be Brave
Be Kind
Be Yourself
and always Follow Your Bliss
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